LJ Idol 11: Week 7: Feckless : An Addendum

I will probably die with a pen in my hand

Trying to get some meaning even if fleeting

I've been spending my hard earned currency on lettering and calligraphy small bottles of ink holders and nibs watercolor cubes and brushes pencil caps a shiny yellow pencil case The very first superfluous thing I bought with my first paycheck from the Bookstore Cafe (almost two years ago now) was a smallish box of kinetic sand

Adapting after living a feckless existence

Meandering, uncouth and unsophisticated

I tried to live in kindness even I was aimless

And now some sort of normal-ish

Even as I’m worrying splintered fingernails down to the quick

Running them obsessively through split ends and pulling just slightly at the roots

But I am not punching walls

I’m mesmerized by the landscape sometimes Lost in thought instead of on the highway

Daydreaming

Not scheming

Because it’s beginning to take shape

A future without struggle

The dullest extremes, caught on tape

Being freeeeeee

To deviate from the plot

As a bird, as a plane, as…Alexander Supertramp

May his restless soul be at peace Born into a privilege he saw no need for

Am I minimalist if I want more? To be more than a proletariat

Working poor

Because when I say I am living paycheck to paycheck

It means I budget by the week and can’t ever plan farther ahead

It’s only the love of a generous matriarch between me and the streets

I’m so unoriginal I know

I’ve done this all before

And I’ll wake up just to do it all over again tomorrow

I am reminded of a poem

About taking the wheel of your own life

And the simple but profound message

They say I'm good with words

I sure can turn a phrase

It wasn’t just a phase

Truly fey Mutated DNA

Born with two clubbed thumbs

And two “lazy” eyes

The medical term is amblyopia alternating exotropia

strabismus the proper derogative is actually walleyed

A sideshow freak of another era

And still it drives me up the wall

having to watch most people turn their heads

to the point over their shoulder and knowing I look disinterested by default

Training myself to talk to the floor to make them less uncomfortable

It’s the mark of malevolence

The evil eye

There’s a painful but quick surgical fix

The cost of body modification out of my reach

Yet it’s the thing I think about most

when I contemplate adventures abroad

Refusing to die never having had a passport Stepping foot on distant shores

The pilgrimage of a world citizen

Landlocked by class-ism and country

Stuck in the story of small minded patriarchs

But you just want to take a long drive

To expand the tiny orb your life has become these

And by “you” I mean me

But can we just pretend we are talking about you?

Because you will always be just a little but evil

But don’t want to be a creep at parties

(If you were ever invited to parties)

You’re not a super villain just chaotic neutral

Even you don’t know what you’re about to do sometimes

It’s just that “you” know in your heart of hearts

That if you jumped, you’d fly

But it’s the voice of logic holding you back

Keeping you in reality check

Against the idealized vision

Not living up to my own expectations

Feckless!

Because we’re always talking about me and how are you?

I'm honestly in a meretricious romance with myself I'm deluding myself Still

It’s just the way of things

How time plays tricks on us

Dripping through your fingers like kinetic sand