codenamewanderlust: (Default)
We haven’t spoken in almost two years
 
There is so much I want to say 
But I know you won’t hear it 
 
We are ghosts caught in our own feedback loop of arrogance
  
Existing on separate planes
of the same home
 
Sometimes I am terrified that I have died 
And this is my life flashing before my eyes
 
But YOU are the one haunting this house 
 
A black cloud 
 
Navigating through hallways in an effort to reduce emotional traffic
Avoiding responsibility 
 
I’m feeling like I’m loosing time
Loosing the pages of this chapter 
 
As my half present self remembers to keep my shoes off the furniture
For the sake of your mother 
Who has taught me the meaning of unconditional love
 
Is it too much to ask for a little gratitude? 
Could you shrug off your pride
Just this once?
Just this once could we make it about me?
 
Cause see 
My DNA is linked to yours and I’m tired of paying your karmic debt
 
At least I’m working on my shit
Coming to realizations and shit
About the status quo 
 
and status-es
 
And the place where I am counting days like dollar bills 
 
Buying and spending time like currency
 
The rainbows that reflect in from crystals hung in the open windows that you could no longer see because you had boxed yourself in 
Refused to let in the light
In the cottage house on the edge of the property built for you 
By your mother with love and blessings 
All of which you have taken for granted
 
The first time I left
You fed me lies, to bring me back
Planting seeds of false hope
All while demanding my 16 year old half-sister give you all of her very first paycheck because she was supposed to be “helping” you 
 
Except being the father 
kind of works the other way 
 
Especially when your youngest daughter, my half-sister 
was being raised by her late mother’s grandparent’s
 
And you are still being raised
by your still very present
saint of a mother
 
I wonder sometimes
About the blood in the water 
When she dies
And weather I’ll stay and fight 
 
Or fly away for good 
Once her soul has departed 
Because everyone else here 
is giving everything they have in tithe
 
And then there is you 
 
the “crown prince”
 
Once upon a time
You and MY mother were high school sweethearts 
Who were history even before my third birthday
 
Your mother tells me I was conceived in love I have never felt
 
But this is MY story
 
And this is the sunshine I surround myself with 
 
While your head is too big to fit in the goddamn house 
codenamewanderlust: (a novel by josephine march)

Full text below audio link

there's a string of curse words near the end
https://m.soundcloud.com/rswndrlst/the-main-character

Sestina: The Main Character (MC)

This is a story about an MC afflicted with passion.
Who, like the restless needle of a compass,
was forever seeking the Horizon.
< spoiler alert > the ending of this story is already foretold
and is the same for every single being in creation.
It’s been said we’re all just players of some unseen narrator.

A nameless, unknowable, spiteful, narrator
who in the throes of passion
might decide to kill his creation.
So, this MC has a heartbeat like a needle of a spiraling compass.
For as is true for all, inevitably, death has been foretold.
Even for this MC who loves a thing known as, horizon.

They’re forever stupidly longing for that ever distant, damned Horizon.
Yes, damned, is the opinion of this narrator,
Who is actually wondering if there is even a point, if it’s all been foretold?
But I digress and the MC curses the will of my passion
as we drop them on the shore with naught but map and compass.
Do you see, that this MC is a stubborn, monstrous creation?

(I do confess I also find this fixed verse form to be a monstrous creation.)
What would happen if the MC ever reached their figurative horizon?
Perhaps an HEA* is greater than my abilities can compass?
But what good is an MC to a narrator
if they do not have passion?
We must all live with knowing that eventual, ending foretold.

From your very first breath, there being a last has been foretold.
It’s a bargain; the uncanny act of creation.
But back to the MC with all that all-consuming passion.
(Wanting so badly to reach that god damned fucking gosh darn horizon.)
The one who would dare defy the narrator
but is just a feckless wanderer lead by a faulty compass.

There are always dropped stitches and pricked fingers within the compass
of the tapestry woven as it is being foretold.
Does every narrator
hate his creation
for seeking beyond the horizon?
Being able, as the other is not, to fulfill their passion?

In the end the MC lets passion become the compass
and each moment a horizon. The last moment cannot be foretold,
the MC learns, for any man, or his creation, or even a humble narrator.

*HEA stands for Happily Ever After


with much thanks as always to [livejournal.com profile] lolaslaughter for being the best cheerleader a gal could have


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February 2020

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