LJIdol / LPF: Week 4: Ghosting

[codenamewanderlust]

We haven’t spoken in almost two years

 

There is so much I want to say 

But I know you won’t hear it 

 

We are ghosts caught in our own feedback loop of arrogance

  

Existing on separate planes
of the same home

 

Sometimes I am terrified that I have died 

And this is my life flashing before my eyes

 

But YOU are the one haunting this house 

 

A black cloud 

 

Navigating through hallways in an effort to reduce emotional traffic
Avoiding responsibility 

 

I’m feeling like I’m loosing time

Loosing the pages of this chapter 

 

As my half present self remembers to keep my shoes off the furniture

For the sake of your mother 

Who has taught me the meaning of unconditional love

 

Is it too much to ask for a little gratitude? 

Could you shrug off your pride

Just this once?

Just this once could we make it about me?

 

Cause see 

My DNA is linked to yours and I’m tired of paying your karmic debt

 

At least I’m working on my shit

Coming to realizations and shit

About the status quo 

 

and status-es

 

And the place where I am counting days like dollar bills 

 

Buying and spending time like currency

 

The rainbows that reflect in from crystals hung in the open windows that you could no longer see because you had boxed yourself in 
Refused to let in the light

In the cottage house on the edge of the property built for you 

By your mother with love and blessings 

All of which you have taken for granted

 
The first time I left
You fed me lies, to bring me back

Planting seeds of false hope
All while demanding my 16 year old half-sister give you all of her very first paycheck because she was supposed to be “helping” you 

 

Except being the father 

kind of works the other way 

 

Especially when your youngest daughter, my half-sister 

was being raised by her late mother’s grandparent’s

 

And you are still being raised
by your still very present
saint of a mother

 

I wonder sometimes

About the blood in the water 

When she dies

And weather I’ll stay and fight 

 

Or fly away for good 

Once her soul has departed 

Because everyone else here 

is giving everything they have in tithe

 

And then there is you 

 

the “crown prince”

 

Once upon a time

You and MY mother were high school sweethearts 

Who were history even before my third birthday

 

Your mother tells me I was conceived in love I have never felt

 

But this is MY story

 

And this is the sunshine I surround myself with 

 

While your head is too big to fit in the goddamn house 

Comments

[daisysparrow]

"counting days like dollar bills" is an exquisite line, and it's a great take on the topic