LJ Idol Week 5: Build A Better Mousetrap

[codenamewanderlust]

Annabelle, Owen, Mouse

He hears the sound a split second before he hears her gasp awake. The unmistakable metallic snap of the trap he set a few days earlier without telling her.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers into the darkness. “I had to.”

“It’s not me you have to apologize to Peter.” Annabelle says softly.

He knows. He kisses her bare shoulder and hopes she will be asleep again before he has to get up for work.

Later he wraps the trap and the body in three plastic bags and brings it out to the trash bin on the sidewalk on his way to the bus.

When Peter gets home from work she’s wearing a blue waistcoat and grey trousers. She has her back to him and is reaching up to return a book to the top shelf of their consolidated library which takes up an entire living room wall. Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness is on the record player. Peter stands in the doorway between the living room and the kitchen and takes a moment to watch her.

Him, Peter corrects himself. It’s not what he was expecting but he’s not disappointed.

Peter clears his throat and his lover turns.

“Peter you’re home.” He says.

“Owen, it’s been a long time.” Peter steps into the room as Owen leans back against the bookshelf folding his arms over his chest; the sleeves of his collared shirt are rolled up to his elbows.

“Too long. It’s really great to see you. I hope you don’t mind. Annabelle had to smooth things over with Mouse.”

“Do you think she’ll want to talk to me?”

“Mouse?” Owen shrugs before turning back to arranging books. “Who knows? That girl can be so fickle.”

“Well, I’m happy you’re here.” Peter says honestly.

Owen turns his head toward Peter and smirks. He pushes his eyeglasses up the bridge of his nose. “You’re just hoping I did the shopping.” He teases.

Peter tilts his head questioningly.

Owen laughs and gestures toward the kitchen. “There’s beer in the fridge and stuff for sandwiches, help yourself.”

Peter turns quickly back toward the kitchen. He can still see Owen as he sets the food and plates out on the island.

Peter watches the way Owen moves with his back slightly straighter than Annabelle and the casual set of his hips; the way he takes wider steps and holds his beer bottle by the neck instead of around the base.

Their long blonde hair is pulled back into a ponytail. Peter has been told that Owen threatened to cut it once and Annabelle threatened buy cat eye glasses instead of the plain silver frames they all share.

Peter takes a long swig of his beer and begins slicing the fresh bread. He feels bad for Owen sometimes but Annabelle sets the rules on body modification.

Peter was confused in the beginning but he decided pretty quickly that he didn’t care how odd it seemed or ridiculous it sounded. Annabelle, Owen and Mouse share a body it was as simple as that and Peter loved them all. He met Annabelle first. Owen and Mouse came later.

He stopped trying to put a name to it anymore. He’s happy and it’s all that matters.

After a while, Owen joins Peter in the kitchen. While they eat they talk about books and flirt like they just met until Owen backs Peter up against the wall and bites gently at his neck. They kiss all the way to the bedroom, laughing as they stumble over each other.

When he wakes up alone in the bed later that night he calls out for Owen and instead he finds Mouse. She’s sitting on the window ledge illuminated by the light from the streetlamp outside. Her hair is almost covering her face and her knees are tucked under her chin.

“I’m sorry,” He says immediately. “I won’t ever do it again. I’ll buy those humane traps I swear and we can set them free together.”

“I know Peter. I just—,” Mouse breaks off and Peter rises from the bed to put an arm around her shoulders.

“I know it’s silly, it’s like my – my spirit animal or whatever.”

“I get it. I don’t know what I was thinking. Forgive me?”

She takes a deep breath before nodding. “Yeah.”

“It’s cold. Come back—Come to bed.” He helps her off the ledge and they settle under the covers.

When he wakes up again the sun is up and Annabelle is smiling at him.

____________________

--Eh, this started out as magical realism and became something else. Feedback appreciated since it’s pretty experimental (and came to me after two days of fever dreams.) I almost took a BYE instead of posting it but I decided to take a chance.

Comments

[tonithegreat.livejournal.com]

I like where this went! I'm so glad it didn't go anywhere dark with the Mouse persona, which seemed a possibility. I liked how you managed to explain a fairly complicated person and relationship while still having action occur, and you managed to keep it to a nice length.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Thank you for such thoughtful commentary! It's interesting that you mentioned it going dark because many of my first starts were along the horror vein (probably because I personally hate mousetraps and even refused to google the topic this week just in case).

I am relieved to hear the length is okay!

LJ Idol Week 5: Recommendations!

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User kickthehobbit referenced to your post from LJ Idol Week 5: Recommendations! (http://kickthehobbit.livejournal.com/633208.html) saying: [...] writes about a non-standard relationship [...]

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

This was great work! I am glad you din't take a bye...:) loved the concept.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Oh gosh thank you! I need to learn to trust my instincts and stop doubting my work will speak to anyone else.

[kajel.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed this. Nicely done.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[onda-bianca.livejournal.com]

I wasn't sure what to expect at first...I kind of was thinking something creepy/horror but the way this went was a nice surprise.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

I have had other comments that said they thought it might go dark. I guess because in my head Mouse was never "scary" I didn't realize it could be read that way but I think I like that it adds another layer of suspense to the story.

Thank you for reading and commenting!

lj idol recommended reading week 5

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User belenen referenced to your post from lj idol recommended reading week 5 (http://belenen.livejournal.com/554005.html) saying: [...] http://rswndrlst.livejournal.com/4772.html [...]

[suesniffsglue.livejournal.com]

I liked this a lot. Mouse made for a beautiful image

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[eska818.livejournal.com]

I think this was a great chance to take, I really loved where it went - but I'm probably biased, since I have a girlfriend that is... similar to Annabelle. Heh. The pacing is nice and the emotions are so real. I love that you can really tell the difference between the three sharing the body as well, you've done a great job with the characterization.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

It's awesome that you can relate to this. I honestly worried that people wouldn't be able to suspend their disbelief that Peter would be so accepting.


I love that you can really tell the difference between the three sharing the body as well, you've done a great job with the characterization.

This was important to me so I'm glad to hear that it worked.

Thank you for the great comment.

[eska818.livejournal.com]

I imagine that people probably will have a hard time believing that - but from personal experience, it can and does work. My girlfriend is married, so it's not like I'm the only one that is able to "handle" it, so to speak. It's hard sometimes, sure, but when you love people, you love them, bottom line.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Yay for functional non monogamy! and also this forever: but when you love people, you love them, bottom line . Your girlfriend is lucky to having you in her life.

[eska818.livejournal.com]

Haha, I don't know if I would go that far, but I suppose she might think so. I haven't asked her lately. XD

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

This is really beautiful. I literally said "Wow" when it was over.

Hold in to these characters and write more about them later. Seriously.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Oh what a lovely comment thank you!

I just might have to revisit these characters. I like the dynamic here and I've gotten such useful feedback.

[mamas-minion.livejournal.com]

I'm very intrigued by these characters, would be intrested in reading more about them and maybe getting some background.

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

That's great to hear thank you. They've kind of made me curious as well and I think I will definitely end up writing more about them.

Thank you for the encouragement!

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Really interesting characters, and neat to see this real/unreal style, too.

Concrit wise, it's a great intro to the characters, but it might be more powerful if something happened to create conflict or change. It's a very contemplative piece right now, and that's enjoyable, but it could be even stronger if someone wanted something and faced an obstacle, or if there was a problem to be solved, etc. To some extent, this reflects that your characters clearly love each other, so there's not really a problem :)

[rswndrlst.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

Hee, I had definitely kept your feedback entry in mind reading comments to this and more than one was along the line of writing more about these characters - vaguely a "what happens next?" or even "what led to this?" Translation: Nothing really happened ;) It is sort of just "a day in the life..." and feels to me even a small part of some larger story.

I do tend to write in a very stream of consciences contemplative style and I want to work on adding "action" to that while keeping my own voice if I can figure out how.

I could have made this much longer and I had to fight myself on being needlessly overly descriptive. I am worried about the length of my entries for LJI. I am also terrible at endings. I am much better at first lines. (I once won a prize at a library benefit for writing a fake first line to Casino Royale that everyone picked over the actual first line.)

Oh my gosh I am going to stop rambling now and I have to go to work anyway. Thank you again for giving me so much to think about!

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you posted this. It was intriguing. I liked Peter's ability to interact with all three of his lovers in ways that were uniquely suited to each one. This was really well-done.